I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
