im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
