i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
