every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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