walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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