You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
