I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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