On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
