If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
