u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
