After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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