I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
