I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
