she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just want nice things and good sex
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
