Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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