I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
