The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
