please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
our cab driver is having phone sex.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
