Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
