My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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