i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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