Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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