I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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