I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
