Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
