i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.