Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
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I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
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No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.