Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
