after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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