if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
