I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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