I wanna passion pit in your ass
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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