Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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