what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
