I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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