When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
