she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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