i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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