im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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