I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
