dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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