Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
