I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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