Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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