forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
