i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
