the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
