dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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