My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
