I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
