I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So apparently I’m into choking now
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