Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
