my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
