The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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