he thought i was a dude.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
