Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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