thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
